Now that the New Year is with us, I got my family together after dinner last night and said: "We all have to make our New Year resolutions. I expect each of us to give up something.
Who shall begin by announcing what he or she is giving up?"
"What have I got that I can give up," the wife said. "With the amount of salary you earn, there is nothing to give up."
"Let us not go into that now," I said.
My elder son, Darryl, said: "I think I will give up
"But you don't smoke," I said. "You can't give up something you are not doing. Unless, you are
smoking on the quiet. I will be very angry if I come to hear that."
"I am not smoking, but how can I give up something I am not doing," Darryl said. "So, I am going to start smoking in order to give it up."
"Shame on you for encouraging the children to smoke just because you want them to have a New Year resolution," the wife said. "The whole world is giving up smoking and you want your children to smoke."
"I don't want my children to smoke," I said. "Ask Derek, he does not have to have a resolution declaring he will not smoke."
"No, I shall smoke, but I am resolving not to go school," Derek said. "Schools are a waste of time."
"Here, here, there is no such resolution as not going to school," I said. "It is worse than giving up smoking, I mean it is worse than smoking, going to school."
The wife said: "You are confusing the children."
"I am confusing the children... Oh", I said. "All I am asking them to do is to make a resolution not to do one single thing, and you say I am confusing the children. Why don't you start the ball rolling by announcing what you are resolving to give up."
"I thought New Year resolutions were only for children who smoke," the wife said.
"Nonsense," I said, "they are for everybody who smokes and for children who don't smoke. Haven't any of you heard of New Year resolutions?"
"I have," my dog Bolshoi the Boxer said. "And my resolution is to go to Russia this year."
"You keep quiet, dogs don't make New Year resolutions, though I am glad at least somebody has
heard of New Year resolutions, even if it is only a dog," I said. "And you are not going to Russia, the resolution, as I explained, is not going, and not going. But in any case you can't go, because you
are not going." "Now you are confusing the poor dog," the wife said.
"He would not be confused if he would not interfere," I said. "For the last time, are you going to resolve what you are going to give up?"
The wife said: "You tell me what I have and I will tell you what I will give up."
"I give up," I said. "Let us resolve not to have any resolutions this year."