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   With all these gang wars and people shooting one another.. (May 24, 1990)

With all these gang wars and people shooting one another and robberies in BEST buses, and bombs in suburban trains, my dog, Bolshoi the Boxer, has become a litted nervous.

He was telling me this morning: "You must guard the house more carefully and not allow ay stranger to enter. Don't be friendly to anybody who comes along, you never know who he is."

"You are telling me that," I said. "You are supposed to guard the house, not me. You are the dog, it is your job."

Bolshoi said: "You shouldn't have got a dog if you could not look after him and protect him. Whenever I go out, you be with me all the time, and be alert. Don't let anybody kidnap me or stab me in the back. If you see any suspicious looking person approaching me, jump on him."

"You accompany me, I don't accompany you. And you jump on people if they are threatening to attack me. You are a dog, and when I bought you, they told me you were a guard dog, so earn you money," I said.

"If somebody sold me to you under false pretension, it is not my fault," Bolshoi said.

"And so many time I have told you not to take me by train. People put bombs under the seats and blow up trains. If you have to take me by train, at least first look under all the seats before I enter the compartment."

"If I start looking under all the seats, the train will depart leaving you on the platform," I said. "Besides, I would look silly looking under all the seats while you stand and watch, it should be the other way around. All the passengers will laugh."

"If you were any good, by now you should have been able to sniff out a bomb," Bolshoi said. "What you require is a little training in bomb detection and you shold take it before you endanger you dog's life further."

"For your information, it is dongs who take training in bomb detection, not people," I said, "Not that the training would make much difference in your case, you have lost you sense of smell."

"Why should I smell bombs when you are there!" Bolshoi said. "And thank goodness the BEST does not allow dogs to travel by bus, otherwise you would have taken me by bus and I would have been robbed every time."

"You don't carry any money on you that you can be robbed," I said. "And are there any more instructions you wish to giver me on how I should protect you?"

"Yes," said Bolshoi, "try and look like a dong."

 
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