I will now add my instructions to these to make the water completely free from monsoon impurities and safe to drink.Open a tap (that is if there is water in the tap) and fill one bucket with water. Boil the water, then strain it, then boil it again, then strain it again. Please note: this process can be repeated any number of times.Let the water cool. Add one bottle of rum to it (preferably good and strong army rum). Add mint leaves, sugar and crushed fresh grapes from Nashik. Take a spoon and taste the water.Immerse one large ice block in the water. Pour in one bottle of Jamaican rum (if not available, Cuban rum will do). Add a dash of tea leaves for colour. Cover the water and watch the frost gathering on the outside.Open two bottles of India-made foreign liquor, preferably whisky, in the medium-price bracket. Slowly pour the whisky into the water. Do not stir. Add ice cubes or crushed ice. Taste the water and ask your wife to taste it.Go downstairs and buy a case of beer. Chill the beer by passing it through an aluminium kettle with ice in it (do not ask stupid questions as to why such a method should chill beer). Add the beer to the water. Allow a gentle froth to form on the top.Drink half the water and replace it with London gin and sour lime juice. Take a dozen oranges, peel them, remove their skins, and add them to the water. Stir briskly, but not too much. Taste it, let it roll on your tongue. Say how you like it.
Add five bottles of wine (preferably French), two bottles of champagne and one bottle of Remy Martin (VVSOP). On second thoughts, do not add the bottle of Remy Martin (VVSOP); you can drink it by itself. Put a lot of ice and allow to chill. Add the best varieties of citrus fruits. I admit that this method of removing the turbidity from the water is a little more elaborate than that recommended by the municipality. But, where one's health is concerned, one cannot be too careful.